Midnight Sun Page 15

  I decide I might as well tell him the truth. The whole truth this time. We don’t have much time left together. “Charlie, that night, when we met at the train station… I already knew you.”

  I can’t tell if he’s weirded out or creeped out or what. His face is in total neutral, like I just told him it was going to rain tomorrow or something equally benign. “What do you mean?”

  I stare up at the sky. “In elementary school, you walked past my window every morning at dawn on your way to swim practice.”

  I sneak a sideways glance at Charlie. He doesn’t look scared, so I keep going. “In third grade, you started skateboarding. In sixth grade, you wore a Ken Griffey Jr. jersey every day for, like, a month. In ninth grade, you buzzed your hair off. I waited for you. It was the best part of my day. So by the time we met, you were already a part of my life.”

  I finish my confession and hold my breath. Charlie doesn’t say anything for a while. I don’t press him either, because I understand what I just put out there is a lot to absorb.

  Finally, he comes out with this. “I can’t believe you still liked me after you saw that buzz cut.”

  I giggle. Leave it to Charlie to make me laugh at a time like this. To not judge me, but simply to love all that I do and am. Even when I’m admitting to being the world’s most unlikely stalker.

  “I just wish I’d looked up,” he says. “Then I could’ve been with you this whole time.”

  He doesn’t realize what I’ve known all along. He’s always been there with me. “You were,” I tell him, then I take a big breath and jump off into the deep end. “I love you, Charlie.”

  He touches my face. Looks into my eyes. His are filled with tears, but happy ones. “I love you, too.”

  He pulls me to him and I fall into his kiss. We kiss for every star in the sky. We kiss for every kiss we missed in the past and every kiss we’ll miss in the future.

  I know my nights are getting numbered. I know my days are getting short. I need to seize every moment I have left. I hang on to Charlie for dear life.

  24

  We’re playing cards at my house a few weeks later. I’m definitely more tired, shakier, more fragile than before. The truth is, my grip is so weak I can barely keep my hand hidden from the rest of the players—Charlie, Garver, Morgan, Dad.

  And, oh yeah… Dr. Fleming. Or Jessica, as Dad now calls her. It’s weird but great.

  When she first started checking up on me at home every few days, I felt like I was being a huge burden. I know how busy Dr. Fleming’s practice is and how many kids other than me need attending to.

  But it quickly became apparent that Dad was starting to look forward to her coming over in more than just a doctor’s-patient’s-father kind of way. He’d put on his best shirt and shoes, comb his hair just so. I noticed before he did.

  “You like her,” I finally told him.

  “What? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied, a blush creeping onto his cheeks.

  “You know exactly what I’m talking about,” I said. “And guess what? I approve. So go for it.”

  Dad somehow found the courage to ask Dr. Fleming—I mean Jessica—out to dinner, and she’s been kind of a fixture at our house since then. Dad’s super happy he didn’t have to take a chance on one of the randos from the dating site. I’m happy I’ll be leaving him in good hands. Dr. Fleming has taken great care of me all these years; I’m confident she’ll take just as good care of Dad for me once I’m gone.

  The terror that once came with thoughts like that is pretty much gone now, too. And it’s like the way it was with Zoe—once I let go of the fear, knowing I’m going to die soon has lost its power over me, too. I’m determined to live every second I have left to the fullest for however long that might be. Everything and everyone is going to be okay. I just know it. I wouldn’t be able to let go when the time comes otherwise.

  Charlie sees me struggling and holds his hand out like a makeshift card holder. I tuck my cards into his palm.

  “I’ll call,” I say with a smile, knowing I’m about to kick everyone’s booty with this one.

  Morgan reaches across the table and sweeps my chips into the center for me. I flip my cards over from Charlie’s hand.

  “Full house. Boom. Aces over jacks.”

  Everybody groans. Jessica shakes her head and throws down her junk hand.

  “I had only one pair,” she says. “And they were twos! I’m out of chips.”

  Morgan sweeps the entire pot over to me. “You are officially banned from my casino, Katie.”

  The six of us reconvene every couple of nights for the next few weeks. We play cards, watch movies, ask one another questions from my old Would You Rather…? book and generally just have a good time. It’s awesome to see my dad so relaxed and having someone other than me to hang out with, even though I’m not quite sure what his deal is with Jessica.

  And so, one night after everyone’s gone home and it’s just my dad and me in front of the TV, I get up the courage to ask him. “So, like… are you guys hooking up, or is she friendzoning you?”

  My dad gives me a curious look. “I don’t even know what language you’re speaking, Katie.”

  I laugh and try again. “I mean, are you guys romantically involved or just friends or what?”

  “What,” he says.

  “You heard me,” I tell him, trying to be stern. I really, really want to know. “Your dying daughter deserves an answer.”

  “And I told you; my answer is what,” he says. “As in I don’t have an answer yet, Katie. She’s just coming off a divorce. I haven’t dated in twenty years. So we’re taking it slowly. Seeing what happens.”

  My mouth falls open. “Are you trying to tell me you haven’t even kissed her yet? Three weeks of dates and she doesn’t even merit a peck good night?”

  My dad’s cheeks turn light pink. “I’m being a gentleman!”

  “Like Nike says, just do it,” I tell him, closing my eyes. I’m tired all the time lately. “I like her, Dad. You like her. I want you to be happy. Mom would want you to be happy.”

  Before I nod off, I hear him say, “You know what? She kind of reminds me of your mom. Maybe you’re right.”

  A few days later, Morgan, Dad, and I are hanging out watching a baseball game. I’m lying on the couch covered in my favorite blanket, my feet draped over Morgan’s legs. My dad sits on the armrest, stroking my hair. Ever since my shakiness got more pronounced and it’s gotten hard to swallow, he won’t leave my side. He’s even set up a blow-up mattress next to my bed in case I need something when I’m sleeping, which is more and more often these days.

  During the seventh-inning stretch, Charlie bursts through the door, full of energy.

  “Laptop, I need a laptop!” he hoots.

  My dad points to the dining room table, where he was working earlier. Charlie pauses to kiss the top of my head, then runs to get it. He plops down on the floor in front of the couch and starts typing.

  “Check… this… out!”

  He puts the laptop on the coffee table so we can all see what’s gotten him so hyped up. He hits the return key with a flourish. On comes a YouTube video. It’s of me, singing “Charlie’s Song” at the recording studio.

  I have to admit, I sound good. Really, really good. I even look pretty good, too.

  Morgan gasps. “Oh my God! What is this? You’re amazing, Katie!”

  Charlie grins and shrugs. “It’s footage from her recording session.”

  My pulse quickens and I feel brighter, lighter than I have in days.

  “You sound incredible,” my dad tells me. “You’re so beautiful, Katie. You always have been. Inside and out.”

  I ignore how cheesy that sounds and give him a smile.

  “Look at these comments!” Morgan exclaims. “I’m obsessed with this. I love her voice. She’s so hot—Whoops, sorry, Mr. P.”

  I am smiling so hard now I feel like my face might explode from happiness.

&nbs
p; “Wait, what’s that one?” It’s the only comment out of, like, a zillion that has a thumbs-down.

  “Oh that? That’s nothing,” Morgan says as she tries to scroll by it. I reach out to stop her.

  “I have to get used to critics if my songs are going to be out there for everyone to hear,” I say. “I can handle it. Every singer I’ve ever loved has haters, too.”

  “Fine,” Morgan says with a sigh. “It says People only like this song because they feel sorry for the dying girl singing it. Which you know is total bullshit, right, Katie? Sorry for swearing, Mr. P, but it’s true.”

  Despite what I said about wanting to hear the negative feedback, it still feels like a punch in the gut. I wonder if it’s true. Are people only listening to my song because they pity me? How would they even know I was a dying girl to begin with?

  “Please,” Charlie says. “Did you see the screen name of who wrote that?”

  I shake my head. Morgan scrolls back to it, then grins and shows it to me. 2LIT4U. I think back to where I’ve seen it before. Right. Zoe’s license plate.

  “Ha, that flaming crotch rot just won’t give it up, will she?” Morgan crows. “Obviously, you can disregard anything she has to say, Katie. She’s just jealous.”

  “Yeah, and look what else is happening,” Charlie says, excitement lighting up his eyes.

  He clicks a link on the side and opens a new video. It’s a webcam video of a teenage girl playing guitar in her bedroom. She starts strumming, then singing. “Charlie’s Song”!

  I look at my dad in amazement.

  Charlie clicks another link. This is of a different girl reinterpreting the tune from behind a keyboard. Another link. There’s a guy sitting on a windowsill singing it a cappella.

  “Look at how many people you’ve touched,” Charlie says, an urgency in his voice that I understand all too well. He means touched before I can’t touch anyone anymore. “Now the whole world can hear you.”

  I reach out slowly and painfully to him. He grabs my hand and kisses it. He holds it tightly. He won’t let go.

  “I need to run over to the marina, Katie,” he tells me. “But I’ll be back in an hour or so.”

  “I wanna see this Beyoncé-worthy yacht you’ve been cleaning all summer,” Morgan tells him.

  “I’m afraid you’re gonna miss your chance,” Charlie tells her. “Mr. Jones is sailing off on vacation tomorrow. This is my last little checkup before he goes.”

  “Aw, snap,” Morgan says.

  Charlie leans down close to me. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

  “Sure,” I say. He starts to walk to the door, and something in me tells me I should follow. I have a gut feeling that I might not be here when he gets back.

  I decide I don’t want to just lie here on this couch waiting to die. I want to go on that sunset sail Charlie and I talked about. I want to be in control of how my story ends. “Wait,” I say. It comes out forcefully, and everyone turns to look at me. “I want to go with him,” I say.

  “Go where, sweetie?” my dad asks, concern all over his face.

  I struggle to push myself up to a sitting position. “I want to go with Charlie… on the boat. Now.” I won’t let XP call the shots anymore. It’s not over until I say it’s over. And I guess what I’m saying is… I’m ready.

  It’s like everyone in the room freezes. Morgan looks at my dad. I can’t tell if she’s hoping he’ll say yes or no. Charlie stops, waiting for an answer. My dad looks deep in thought.

  “Maybe it would be better if you just lie down a little longer,” he finally says.

  But I’m growing weaker every day, every hour, every minute. Today is my last chance. I know it. I probably won’t have a tomorrow even if I don’t go.

  “It’s okay, Dad,” I assure him. “I want to.”

  My father stares back at me, unblinking. I know he wasn’t prepared for this—me making one last stand for independence and freedom. Well, he’s just going to have to deal with it.

  “I really want to,” I insist.

  We all know what it means if I go. But I’m okay with it. Really I am. I have to be. There’s no other choice.

  “Please,” I say.

  My dad takes a big swallow. Closes his eyes. Finally nods yes.

  25

  Charlie is waiting for me on the boat. I’m standing on the dock with my dad and Morgan, telling her it’s okay to cry. She’s frantically trying to wipe away her tears. I know she’s mad at herself for not being stoic in this moment, but I’m really okay with her showing her true feelings.

  Because I feel it, too. I don’t want to leave her. She’s never left me, not once, even when all the other kids did. I hope she doesn’t see my last wish as a betrayal of our friendship.

  “Does it hurt?” my dad asks. I’m not sure if he means the sun or his grip around me. But neither does. Not really.

  I lower the hood on my sweatshirt and tilt my face up to the sun, holding my arms out wide. The light washes over me. I feel truly at peace. “It feels amazing. It feels better than I even imagined.”

  I turn to face Morgan. “I love you so much.”

  She pulls me into a fierce hug. “Everyone sucks compared to you. I’m screwed for life. You’ve ruined me.”

  “Well, you saved me,” I tell her. “Thanks for not believing Zoe when she said I was a vampire.”

  Morgan starts laughing through her tears. “That whore? I told you, she is the actual devil. I would never have turned on you.”

  I shake my head and smile at her. “And you never did.”

  “And I never will.”

  “Don’t I know it.”

  I turn to face my dad. I reach out for his hand. I’m staring at him, trying to memorize his face. Every line, every curve, every whisker. I have him to thank for my life. For everything I love and cherish.

  “Promise you’ll let yourself be happy?”

  I can only leave him and get on this boat now if I know he’ll take care of himself after I’m gone. To love and be loved again. Follow his passions to the farthest corners of the earth with someone special by his side, I hope. Maybe Jessica is the one? And if not, someone deserving of the incredible man he is.

  Dad nods, his face full of emotion. “I promise.”

  We hug each other tightly. I want to bottle up everything we’ve been and done for each other and spread it all over the entire planet. Let the world experience what pure goodness feels like.

  “I don’t know how the universe works, Katie,” my dad says, his voice choked with tears. “But thank you for choosing me to be your dad. I’ve truly loved every second of it.”

  I laugh. “I’m not sure that’s how it works, but right back at you,” I say. “I love you.”

  “Love you more,” my dad tells me.

  I shake my head and smile at him. “Not possible.”

  I turn toward Charlie, who’s waiting to help me onto the boat. I wave to my dad and Morgan. “My first boat ride,” I say, trying to lighten the moment.

  “I’ll be right here. On the dock. Waiting for you, okay?” Dad calls out to me.

  I nod. “I know you will.”

  Charlie has one arm wrapped tightly around me as he steers with the other. He looks gorgeous, strong, in control. He’s everything I ever imagined he’d be and more.

  My legs buckle under me. I’m so tired. He stares down at me and smiles. “I’ve got ya. Don’t worry.”

  I gaze out at the horizon, breathing in the beautiful daytime air. Letting myself bask in it. In the sun. It’s a mix of colors I’ve never seen before—a cool blue that fades into purple, which blends into a fiery orange, and all of it is slowly dropping into the edge of the water. It feels like it’s just for me. I turn to face Charlie. “I’ve waited my whole life to feel like this.”

  He kisses me, and I taste the salt of his tears.

  “Me, too,” he says.

  “Okay, Katie, time for us to go back in.”

  I open my eyes and see that my mom is pla
ying her guitar as she says this. The sun is setting behind her, and it’s like the sky is on fire. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

  “Can’t we stay here forever?” I ask.

  “Forever, huh? That’s a pretty long time.”

  “I know,” I say, and reach out to strum the guitar along with her.

  “Well, let me ask you this: Are you having fun right now?”

  I nod.

  “Then now is all that matters.”

  Epilogue

  Hey, Charlie,

  I’m sorry I missed you on your way out of town. I must have been out getting supplies for my big trip. Or shots. It’s been a while since I’ve taken a trip where you need shots, and let me tell you, I did not miss that part. Anyhow, I hope Berkeley’s treating you well. And as for your note of apology, well, that’s just horse shit. It was nobody’s fault—and certainly not yours for keeping her out too late that night. I don’t want you ever thinking that, and she wouldn’t want it either. We knew from when she was young that every day was a gift. Besides, I should thank you. All I ever wanted was for my girl to be happy. You made her very happy, Charlie. And it’s nice knowing there’s one more person out there who knows how incredible Katie was. One more person out there who loves her.

  Katie wanted you to have her notebook. She told me to tell you that you stole it so many times, you might as well keep it. She also told me to tell you to read the last page first.

  Oh! And did you hear Katie’s song on the radio? Well, it’s your song, I guess. Named for you, anyway. Morgan called me the other day and said she and Garver heard it in the car. My girl, on the radio. Not that I ever doubted she could make it.

  Take care, Charlie. And don’t be a stranger.

  —Jack Price

  Dear Charlie,

  I’ve always been more comfortable writing song lyrics than actual sentences. At least when I’m writing, I can’t ramble, no matter how nervous I am.